


My Heart

by Loopstagirl



Series: Camelot_Drabble [87]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Homophobia, M/M, Victorian era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-03-08
Packaged: 2018-03-14 13:25:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3412262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loopstagirl/pseuds/Loopstagirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They had found each other again, but it wasn't enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing, all rights belong to their respective owners.  
> Written for the Camelot_Drabble prompt: Enamoured. Had to be in letter format as well.

Merlin,

I write this by your side, looking down on you as you sleep. You’re beautiful. Do you know that? I hope you do, for my eyes follow the lean lines of your body, your pale skin contrasting with the deep red of the bed. The covers are over your legs, shifting just enough to glance at a hip before concealing everything else. Your upper body is exposed though and it takes all my strength to resist dropping the pen and running my fingers over your skin, to see you react the way you did in the night.

A soft smile unfurls on your sleeping lips and I wonder what you are dreaming about. Is it me, the way you flicker through my unconscious mind? Do I haunt you at every turn the way you have my head whipping from side to side even when you are not there? I want you to say yes, to say that it isn’t just me. But that scares me. This feeling scares me.

I haven’t felt anything like it.

And yet I have.

I know I have.

I know this happens every lifetime we come across each other. Our night together always sparks off the memories in my mind and I know exactly who you are, who I am and who we are to each other. We have only just met in this lifetime and yet your body is as familiar to me as my own. My hands could map you with ease from all the times that we have explored over the years.

But what I don’t know, this time around, is that you remember. I can’t see it in your eyes, although they shine with their usual level of emotion and that grin on your face when you beckoned me forward was still the same grin as it always is. I want you to know, to realise what we are to each other and why we risked so much when we shed our clothes and our barriers during the night. I want to see the love in your eyes when you look at me, love that has only deepened during our times apart and then finding each other again.

At the same time, I don’t.

For this story never ends well. It is why I am sitting here writing this, watching you rather than lying down beside you. I could have let dreams carry me off again, relishing in the feeling of still being in your arms. But I know what would happen next. They would burst down the door and drag one of us off, maybe both. Despite all of our centuries of finding each other, our love isn’t allowed. It’s the same story every time, the same twist in the tale that stops us being together.

So this time, my love, I’m being the one to act. When you awaken, you will not find me there. You will find this letter and only this. Then when they come they have no proof, just a man sleeping alone. They will have no reason to burn you again. For that is the heart of the matter. I’m too weak to lose you again. I cannot watch you be hurt and expect to make it to our next reunion sound of mind. There are some things a man cannot take and I have reached my breaking point, even with years of separation in between our meetings.

So I will flee like a criminal in the night, just after the sun rises. For I am also selfish, I want to see the light hit your face, to see you bathed in a golden glow one last time before I flee to the darkness, hiding and hoping it will be enough to give a new ending to our story. I hope you read this and remember. Remember who we are to each other, for only then will you understand my pain at leaving you like this. Please know I do not take this decision lightly and with every word I scratch onto this parchment, my heart breaks just that little bit more.

The sun is rising now. I have a smile on my face as I watch you. Remember my smile. Know that it was only for you, and always will be. No one else will see it until the next time we meet, dear heart. You seek the light instinctively, causing your head to turn towards me. I can’t help myself. Shaking fingers brush back that lock of hair from falling in your eyes. Can you feel my touch in your dreams? You’re still smiling, so I hope so.

But now my time has come. I can sit here no longer, or this will have been for nothing. I hope you felt that, my lips brushing across your skin one last time. At least, the last time in this lifetime, for I know that we will meet again. The wheels of destiny continue to turn and we aren’t able to stop just yet. Excuse my writing, my love, for my hand seems to have developed a tremble I can’t still.

Whatever happens, whatever you may think of me, know this. I don’t care whether you remember or not, I will never stop loving you. And if you don’t remember, then maybe in our next meeting the weight of our past will once again be in your eyes, along with emotions so deep they drown me.

But until then, know you are my heart.

A


	2. My Soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Figured that I would extend this to a second letter, hence it being a chapter two rather than a new drabble.

Arthur,

~~I can’t~~

~~I mean, how are we supposed to do this?~~

~~What happens…~~

Arthur, I’m sorry. I know what it is I’m trying to say and the words are refusing to be written down. It doesn’t help that we are currently crouched in a dark alley in the freezing cold, my hands are shaking and your body is trembling so violently against mine it’s all I can do to not forget the whole letter thing and pull you into my arms. Holding you tight might not stop the penetrating cold from threatening to make us freeze together, but it would be good having you back in my arms.

How many times have we embraced over the years? It’s only now, with the cars whizzing past and the street light above us flickering and finally going out that I properly remember. You were right: I didn’t remember you the last time we met. But I remember your letter. Your determination that you’re going to make things better for us. Well, we’re finally in a place and a time where we are allowed to be together.

And both on the streets, starving and barely surviving. Last night was the first night that I’ve felt warm for months now, with your lips pressed against the back of my neck and our bodies moving as one. But even now, it’s still too dangerous. We have nowhere to go, no place where we won’t be arrested if we’re caught. Last night was special, I know that. But not only because it was our first time this lifetime, but perhaps because it will be our last.

~~I should leave before you wake up, maybe it will be easier if I don’t see you suffering along with me.~~

How are we supposed to do this, Arthur? I’m staring down at you now, your lips are blue. You’re so deeply asleep that you don’t feel my hand ghosting over your hair, lines of exhaustion etched deep into your young face. It almost makes you look the age we are. I haul you around, resting your head in my lap so you are more protected from the stone wall behind us and the cold ground. I can’t stop myself from smiling. I never could when I feel your body next to mine.

Why am I writing this letter? The way you snuffle in your sleep makes me forget. It’s the same sort of noise that you have always made and I’m hit with just how deep our feelings run. Even now, fate has thrown something else at us and yet we still managed to find each other. Fine, I’ll say it. I’m sorry for trying to steal from you. I knew the second you turned around it wouldn’t be worth it. The fraction of time I had before the memories hit was enough time to take in your gaunt appearance and your hollow eyes. You wouldn’t have anything that was worth it.

And what you did was already mine. Your heart. I knew that as soon as I looked into your eyes and saw your mouth open in surprise. Emotions flickered across your face in that moment and I knew what you were thinking. We would finally be accepted… and we were both in a state. I used to be able to trace your body without thinking about it. But now I’m only tracing air.

So back to my point – I can picture your smile as you read that. I’m sorry, you know I can never stay on track – why am I writing? You’re ill, Arthur. No one should be that cold. You need help, food and medicine. I’m going to find you some. If I’m lucky, I’ll be back before you wake up and I can rip this up. But if I’m not… the police have already warned me more than once, I’m known around these areas.

Arthur, if I don’t make it back, move on. Get away from here. Get help. If I’m arrested, don’t come looking for me. You won’t be able to do anything anyway. But get out of here and live. That is why I’m writing this letter, Arthur. It’s the words I can never say, the thoughts I can never express for all of my rambling. What happens to me doesn’t matter, it never has. If you wake and read this, if I’m not back… Find a way to survive. Please. For me.

There, I’ve said it. The sun is rising now. I should go before places get too busy and I’m more likely to be noticed. I should leave before you stir, for each moment I wait is another chance that you will be gone when I return. But I can’t leave you. I don’t want to, even though I know I should. I’ve only just found you again.

~~I don’t want to say goodbye again~~

Don’t read that. Don’t even attempt to. My hand shook too much, it didn’t make sense, I just couldn’t… I’ll go in a moment, I swear. I will make you well again. But I just want a little more time with you in my arms, especially if this is going to be the last for a century or two.

Oh Arthur. Whatever happens, promise me you will live? Promise me, Arthur?

I will put it in your pocket. It shouldn’t be able to blow away there, although it might soak through from the dampness of the ground. You’ll feel it there as soon as you stir, even if you don’t feel me next to you. You’ll understand what I had to do, I know you will. After all, it’s no different to what you did last time. It’s my turn to save you now, my turn to repay the favour.

But God how I wish you’ll never read this. It will mean I’ll be back with food and medicine and you’ll be okay. Just this once, please be okay.

I love you.

Merlin


	3. My Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time had moved on again. Would it be any different?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final one in this story-arc. Thank you so much for the comments and requests for more, I hope you like this final part.

_Arthur,_

_Well… This is awkward. I know you remember me, I saw it in your eyes when you glanced at me. Your mouth instantly twitched into some sort of smile before you forced yourself to look away. There was a moment of surprise and your feet took a small step towards me. I feel it too, the way we’re drawn to each other. The last few meetings have been better and worse at the same time. We’re both remembering now, which makes our reunion so much sweeter and so much harder to say goodbye._

_But we’re not starving this time. We’re not going against society by wanting to be with each other. I just wish this room wasn’t so crowded so that we could actually talk rather than just exchange fleeting glances. I never would have guessed when I received an invitation to the launch of the mars ship who I would find here. How many years have they been developing the technology for this now? They must think it feels like forever, that they would never be ready._

_What do they know about forever? We, my love, are the definition of forever and this time I have no intention of leaving you. I don’t have a family, I never do. How could I when it would be just living a lie, preparing the whole time to tear them apart the second I find you again. But I have friends. A flat. I’ve done well for myself and I can see from the cut of your suit that you have as well._

_Does this mean we are finally being given our chance to be happy together? That we have gone through everything in order to meet here and now? I would love to show you that flat, Arthur. It’s never quite felt like home and I know why. There is none of your presence there, just an empty seat at the table and a cold space on the other side of the bed. I need you in it, my love. I need you. I’m standing here practically trembling with how much I want your arms around me, your breath tickling my ear as you promise me that this time it is going to be alright. If it’s not… I don’t want a next time. I can’t keep doing this, Arthur. I can’t have one wonderful night with you only to never see you again._

_Have you forgiven me for leaving you last time? I did come back, but I took too long. You never used to wake early, I thought I had more time than that. You left the letter on the floor, probably thinking that was what I had done to you. I only wanted you well and safe, I hope you can believe that. You should do; it was what you did to me beforehand. There might not have been men with pitchforks coming for us that time, but the outcome was still the same. I still thought you would die if I hadn’t gone, so in my mind there had never been a choice._

_I certainly didn’t realise when I left you in that alleyway that I would be writing to you again. Not with a shaking hand across a crumbled piece of paper, but my fingers tapping away quickly and efficiently. I’m going to leave the device in your coat pocket. I know you will be informed, I can tell you have all the latest gadgets by the way you are talking with the other guests. Comparing devices and upgrades, the latest inventions. What happened to the days of candlelight shielding us from the rest of the world and our bodies moving together in the darkness? The world has improved, I just hope it hasn’t got in our way._

_I’ve moved to the coats, but I can’t bring myself to stop writing to you. I don’t want to, just in case you don’t come. For this isn’t a letter, it’s an invite. Come to me, Arthur. Let us be together properly for once. Let me woo you – or the other way around, you still think of yourself as a knight and a prince, I can tell. Let us discover each other all over again and fall even deeper in love than we have before._

_There, I’m stopping now. I’ll only break my own heart again otherwise._

_I’ll be out in the gardens if you wish to find me._

_Please, Arthur. Just…come, please?_  
  
_X_

 

Merlin sighed as his feet scrunched the frosted grass under his feet. He hadn’t even signed the note. He knew he wouldn’t need to. Arthur could have a legion of lovers, and yet he would know who this was from. The question was; would he come? Or had Merlin overstepped his mark when he spoke about them practically courting each other. They never had time for that. They had one night and then something tore them apart.

Not this time. This time, he was determined that they were going to do it properly, that they were going to be given a chance. Surveying the empty gardens, he sighed. That would only work if Arthur still felt the same way.

Merlin turned to leave, knowing he had been out here hours and was freezing. But a foot crunched through shards of ice and Merlin went still. That hadn’t been him. Slowly, barely daring to breathe, he turned around.

And he was standing there. The device clutched in his hand the way one would clutch a screwed up letter. There was longing on his face and Merlin suddenly felt at peace.

“Arthur,” he said quietly, not moving. And then he suddenly was, running across the gardens and throwing himself into Arthur’s arms. There came a small crash as Arthur dropped the device in order to catch him and Merlin laughed into his neck.

“Paper was so much easier,” he whispered, but lips meeting his stopped any further words. Merlin had no intention of complaining.

 


End file.
